Breaking the Cycle of Loneliness: 5 Tips to Build Better, Deeper, Stronger Relationships

Thanks to technological advancements, many activities that once had a social component no longer do. Gone are the days when a grocery run meant rubbing elbows with patrons and cashiers, when we learned skills from hands-on teachers, and when we dined out regularly with friends or colleagues.

As our world grows increasingly virtual, many of our needs can be met with a few clicks and no human interaction. While this certainly saves time and energy, there are hidden costs. With more convenience comes fewer opportunities to form meaningful connections.

The World Health Organization reports that 1 in 6 adults worldwide experience loneliness, while some U.S. polls place that number closer to 1 in 3. This affects more than our quality of life.

Researchers have found strong associations between social isolation and coronary artery disease, stroke, and dementia among older adults. Others report that loneliness is as detrimental to our health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day.

In the blue zones, where the world’s longest-lived people reside, social connection is built into everyday life—it is simply part of the fabric of their communities. This sense of belonging can reduce inflammation, improve mental health, and lower the risk of major health complications.

Regardless of where you live, it only takes small, intentional changes to start building community. These tips from Vanessa Van Edwards, psychology expert, bestselling author, and instructor at Harvard, can help you set yourself up for success and build better, deeper, and stronger relationships.

Follow your bliss: Instead of looking to “find your tribe,” focus on pursuing your passions or interests. In taking a pottery class, trying a new church, or doing weekly hikes, you position yourself to meet people with shared interests. You also position yourself to see them regularly and build rapport over time.

Use context cues: Your surroundings are the easiest icebreaker; use them to start low-stakes, low-pressure chitchat. To a stranger, “That smoothie looks delicious. What’s in it?” is much less daunting than “Hey, how are you? Let’s be friends.”

Giving beats getting: Instead of focusing on what you want, consider what you can contribute. When we volunteer our time or skills for social causes, we experience indirect benefits. Beyond the fulfillment of helping others, we can tap into the bonds that mission-driven work tends to create.

Get off autopilot: Many people appear closed off without even realizing it: walking around with headphones on, phones out, and heads down. To those around you, this implies that you’re busy and would rather not be disturbed. In spaces where you want to engage, ask yourself if your demeanor communicates openness and approachability or gives off a desire to be left alone.

Ease the pressure: You don’t need to carry the entire conversation or use it to win people over. When you see an exchange as a chance to learn something new, you get better at processing what you hear and picking out the gems. These are remarks that you can build on because they highlight shared experiences, similar outlooks, and potential follow-up questions.

Want more? Watch the video below, where Dan Buettner and Vanessa Van Edwards explore the science of building community on The Dan Buettner Podcast. Their conversation is also available wherever you listen to podcasts.

Nonjabulo Mlangeni is a writer, researcher, and editor based in Los Angeles, California. She focuses on health, equity, and creative nonfiction.