Talk to Strangers – and Build the Friend Group You’re Missing

by Allison Aubrey

Your Turn How to Create a Midlife You Love Book Cover

Allison Aubrey is an award-winning health and science journalist whose work appears on NPR’s Morning Edition, All Things Considered, and CBS Sunday Morning. Her new book Your Turn: How to Create a Midlife You Love explores the surprising research on reinvention, resilience, and what it actually takes to flourish in the third turn of life as we expand our focus beyond parenting and the paycheck.

How often do you turn down an invitation to get together with a friend? A work obligation arises? Or a family member needs you? Or you’re feeling tired? “Next time,” you say. I’ve concluded that life is too short to put my friends on hold! Not only does my gut tell me that I need more time with friends, but the science is strikingly clear. In a world where “civil disengagement” has become the norm, social connection can seem more difficult than it once was, but friendship—whether BFFs or casual acquaintances—can make your day brighter and your mood lighter, and make you healthier overall.

My friend sent me a funny Insta post with a woman who posted a picture of her best friend next to a picture of chocolate cake. And she claimed that the reward centers in our brains that light up when we eat our favorite foods also spark when we see our bestie’s face. There was no citation for this proclaimed bit of brain science, but I felt it when my friend sent it to me, along with a selfie of her smiling face. My day brightened.

Here are four friendship prescriptions:

A friendship litmus test

Spending time with someone either sustains you or drains you. You know which is which. At its core, “friendship is cooperative, it’s reciprocal,” says Denworth. During transitions, social circles naturally shift. Friends made through a job you’ve left, or a kids’ activity now long past, may migrate from your inner circle to the outer sphere. That’s perfectly OK. “Time is a limited resource, and good relationships take energy from both sides,” Denworth notes. Some connections fade naturally; others settle into a comfortable annual rhythm. But if someone consistently drags you down, intentional distance is warranted. Friendships can weather temporary one-sidedness. When one person is struggling, the balance may tip. But reciprocation should be the baseline.

Aristotle classified friendships into three kinds: those of utility (mutual benefit), those of pleasure (shared fun and interests), and those of virtue (deep mutual admiration and shared values). Most of us have all three in shifting proportions throughout our lives. You don’t need to ghost anyone, but not everyone needs to stay in your inner circle. Maybe you only need to see them occasionally. Save your real energy for the truly reciprocal friendships. You’ll get it back in spades.

Try new strategies to connect

Civic disengagement, technology, and fear of disagreement have made talking to strangers feel harder than it did in childhood. But the art of conversation isn’t dead, says Nicholas Epley at the University of Chicago. People hesitate to connect because they assume they’d rather sit alone—earbuds in—than talk to a stranger. But Epley’s research shows that once they actually engage, the experience is usually positive.16 The barrier, Epley says, is the anticipation, not the reality.

So how do you start? Whether you’re on a plane, at a bar, or in a park, open with a softball question rooted in your shared environment, something that invites response without putting anyone on the spot. “I wonder if it’s going to rain.” “Have you tried the drink special?” Focusing on your surroundings rather than the person directly feels less forward. You can also offer something in your shared environment. “That flight delay was brutal,” or “What do you think of that new playground?” Their response will tell you quickly whether they’re open to more.

“My advice is to take a genuine interest in other people,” Epley told me. Most people underestimate both their conversational skills and their capacity to connect. Sometimes the exchange goes no further. Sometimes it’s the beginning of a friendship.

Turn online connections to IRL

At a time when technology can pull us away from human connections, it can also help us forge new ones. People find jobs, houses, and romantic partners through online apps, and it’s reasonable to try to find new acquaintances or friends this way too. There are lots of apps and organizations that help strangers connect in safer and more controlled environments—it’s like a curated group of willing, friendly strangers. Bumble for Friends works like the dating app, if you’re willing to take the time to swipe through all the potential matches.

Let neighborly acts bridge to friendship

Take inspiration from this study. Researcher Julianne Holt-Lunstad wanted to know if simple acts could bring neighbors together. The KIND challenge involved hundreds of participants in the United States. For one month, participants chose simple ways to help neighbors: bringing in trash bins, walking a dog, collecting mail, checking in. The results? Reduced loneliness, social isolation, and anxiety.

"Helping others is a reliable way to help yourself." —Allison Aubrey, Your Turn Share on X

“So many loneliness interventions involve waiting for someone to help the lonely person,” Holt-Lunstad told me. “What I love about this approach is that you have the autonomy to take the action yourself.” It points to one of life’s more satisfying paradoxes: Helping others is a reliable way to help yourself.

So pick one thing this week. Share the zucchini taking over your garden. Introduce yourself to someone who walks past your house every day. Wave as they drive by. Take the initiative to organize a meetup in the park. The gesture doesn’t have to be grand. It just has to happen. You might be surprised where it leads.